Neurodivergent Conversation: Do you do “20 Questions”?

I'm occasionally the family “Uber driver” for grandchild carpool pick-up when everyone else is unavailable.

I enjoy it.
A little friendly chat.
A few laughs.
Stories from the school day.

But there was one child — Sabrina — who had me stumped.
She often seemed angry the moment she got in the car.

Door shuts.
iPad out.
Earbuds in.
Hood up covering everything it can.

If I tried to talk, she ignored me or snapped:

“Leave me alone.”
“I don’t want to talk.”

The teacher in me went into problem-solving mode.

What happened?
Was someone mean?
Was she upset about something?

I was ready to start “20 Questions.”
Then I had my “DUH” moment.

When I learned she had a neurodivergent diagnosis, it suddenly made sense.

She didn’t need conversation.
She needed to decompress.

She needed time to download from a full day of:

Noise.
Transitions.
Social demands.
Effort.
Masking.
Expectations.

She wasn’t being disrespectful.
She was dysregulated.

And I was about to increase the pressure.

The Hard Truth

Questions work when kids are regulated.
Not when they are dysregulated.

When the nervous system gets dysregulated:

• Processing slows.
• Word retrieval weakens.
• Working memory drops.
• Emotional intensity rises.

Language is one of the first things to go offline.
And that is the worst time to start questioning.

What Dysregulation Can Look Like
It doesn’t always look dramatic.

Sometimes it’s loud.
Sometimes it’s very quiet.

You might see:

• Irritation over something small
• Silence or shut down
• “I don’t know” repeated
• Talking louder or faster
• Repetitive language
• Expressed anger
• Tight facial expressions
• Avoiding eye contact
• Slamming materials
• Calling names
• “Go away.”
• “Leave me alone.”
• Earbuds in, volume up
• Hoodie over face
• Eyes closed like sleeping
• Walking away
• Refusal to respond

Some students escalate outward.
Some withdraw inward.
Both are nervous system signals.

Why “I Don’t Know” Is Often Accurate

“I don’t know” may actually mean:

• I can’t find the words.
• My brain is full.
• I’m overwhelmed.
• If I keep talking, I’ll cry.
• If I answer, I might get in trouble.

But we interpret it as resistance.
So we push.
And pushing increases overload.

What To Do Instead: Visual First, Questions Later

If questions don’t work during dysregulation, what does?

Visuals.
Not to demand answers.
To support regulation.

1. Visuals to Offer Regulation Choices
Instead of asking what happened, provide options visually:

• Walk
• Water
• Headphones
• Sit alone
• Movement
• Quiet space
• Draw

Here's the point.
Let them choose.
Choice restores control.
Control lowers anxiety.

2. Visuals When Something Must Happen Now
Sometimes something cannot wait.
Use:

• A First → Then card
• A simple “Now” visual
• A two-choice card
• A written instruction on a small card

Reduce language.
Keep it concrete.
Stabilize the moment.

3. Visuals to Give Information (After Regulation)
Once the nervous system settles, then give information.
Not interrogation.
Information.

• A short written explanation
• A simple timeline
• A visual schedule showing change
• A brief written narrative

When information is visible, it feels safer.

4. A Visual Signal for “I’m Ready”
Create a simple way for the student to signal readiness:

• “Ready to Talk” card
• Flip card: Not Ready / Ready
• A written note: “Need more time.”

This restores dignity.
The adult doesn’t have to guess.

5. Visuals to Revisit the Problem

Only after regulation and readiness do we revisit what happened.

Now questions can help.
Use:

• A reflection page
• A timeline of events
• “What could we try next time?”
• A shared notebook conversation

Side by side.
Calm.
Concrete.

The Pattern to Break

Adult asks questions →
Student can’t answer →
Adult pushes →
Student escalates.

The solution is not fewer questions forever.

It is better timing.

Regulation first.
Communication second.
Problem-solving third.

Back to Sabrina

Once I stopped trying to talk immediately, everything changed.
I drove.
She decompressed.
Sometimes after ten minutes, she would initiate a comment.
Sometimes she wouldn’t.
And that was okay.

Because questions work.
But only when kids are regulated.

— Linda

P.S.